I have a few that I'm lucky to call best friends. One in California. One in Washington. One in Tennessee. One in Kansas, though we have severely drifted in the last year. And of course my husband, but I'm talking about a girl friend who gets why I hate bra shopping and why it's completely reasonable to watch Pretty Woman a million times and eat ice cream while doing so. Thus, he does not qualify.
And it would be really awesome if I had a best friend who was a mom, was a Christian (or at least didn't knock my beliefs), dabbled in the crunchy/homemade/country-fried lifestyle Kenneth and I live for. But ya know, even one of those similarities would be awesome. I need someone I can vent to, get out with, have a girls night with, etc. But not here. I miss home. In my youth, I made friends so easily. These days, not so much. Too introverted I guess. Always doing something with my kids? I don't know.
I spend most of my time at home. We share one car, his work schedule is erratic and I have 4 kids. Most days I love it though. My job has a pretty lax dress code (yoga pants and t-shirts for the win!), my actual required duties come down to changing diapers, feeding the kids and getting the older 2 to school (anything else like dishes, laundry and walking the dog is a bonus) and I get paid in kisses, hugs and "you're the best mom ever!" statements. I also get woken up 3-4 times a night to nurse a baby who has found fun in nipping, battle with two kids over homework 5 days a week, chase after a toddler whose favorite word is NO!, MINE and screams at a loud decibel when either words are said to her and not by her, and along with all that I attempt to keep everyone in clean underwear, bellies full, and the house picked up enough to have a clear path to the exit in the event of a fire. And yet, I love it 99.9 percent of the time. I love doing crafts with my kids, reading them stories at bedtime, teaching them how to cook, playing catch, going to museums and building forts. Being a mom is the best job ever. I actually prefer to spend time with my kids over being away from them. Because I know I will blink and wake up one day to teenagers who want to spend time with their friends over me, and do their own thing and not in an "old-fashioned" way like I would. So I cherish this time greatly. And largely because I didn't have a mother growing up and I know how hard it was so I take this role that God has honored me with and these angelic beings he has trusted me with very seriously. So when I have a day from hell, like today, the only thing I want to do is run away as far as I can. For a good chunk of time. My little cling on was on the war path today and apparently sleep was not in her plan but screaming due to LACK of sleep sure was. The darn kid wouldn't even go to sleep in the ergo on my back. Between that, a homework battle with the older two and the toddler throwing dog food around the living room every time my back was turned, I was ready to lose it. These are the days I'm jealous of my husband who leaves the house and gets away and has adult conversation that includes full sentences and no whining. But then I think of all the things he misses and I'm glad I'm home. On top of that, I feel guilty when I go do something that doesn't include my kids and isn't classified as an errand like going to the library alone, or shopping or taking a nap while my husband watches the kids. And some days, hard as he tries, he just doesn't get how overwhelmed I get. He says it's because I hold it together the other 6 days of the week.
Funny thing is I remember when I would tell people I had 3 kids and a deployed husband while pregnant and people would gasp and say things like "Oh, you must be busy!" and "Wow! You sure have your hands full!" It didn't feel like it though. I juggled it all. And then, I had McKenna. My stubborn, strong willed, persistent, red headed firecracker of a child. She has thrown a wrench in my routine. She's completely unpredictable. She refuses to conform to a schedule of any kind and gives me a run for my money as far as who is more stubborn, her or me. But she's cuddly, and adorable, and chubby and her smile melts your heart. But there are days I want to rip my ears off because she screams at a decibel that can't be within safe limits. But I do love that little girl, more than life itself.
I think tomorrow, before K goes to work I'll go wander around the library by myself and take a mini break. I need a breather. Maybe I'll peruse the thrift store for long sleeve shirts that fit my post-baby/breastfeeding upper half. And I'll try really hard not to feel guilty. I know he sure as heck doesn't feel guilty when he goes to play air soft. And I wouldn't expect him to.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Because I'll forget if I don't write it down.
I want to devote a blog post to my 4 child birth experiences (fully medicated in the hospital, induced without pain relief in the hospital, water birth changed at the last minute to bed birth at a birth center and my last and perfect water birth).
Breastfeeding and my amazing (and still ongoing journey).
Foster care and why my experiences mostly sucked but I'm hoping to make a difference with a kid in the future. After I've survived the teen age years with at least my older two.
How I met my goofball husband
Why I love being with my kids almost all the time and how I am shocked at odd people find that.
My desire for a cold, REAL winter. And how I may regret that wish later.
This blog is for memories as much as it is for my own thoughts. I back up my entries to save for my kids to read one day. I loved when my grandma would read me snippets of her prayer journals or other thoughts.
Breastfeeding and my amazing (and still ongoing journey).
Foster care and why my experiences mostly sucked but I'm hoping to make a difference with a kid in the future. After I've survived the teen age years with at least my older two.
How I met my goofball husband
Why I love being with my kids almost all the time and how I am shocked at odd people find that.
My desire for a cold, REAL winter. And how I may regret that wish later.
This blog is for memories as much as it is for my own thoughts. I back up my entries to save for my kids to read one day. I loved when my grandma would read me snippets of her prayer journals or other thoughts.
I need a maid.
Or someone to sleep for me so I can clean. lol The amount of mess and chaos that comes with 4 kids and a man-child drives me a little batty. It seems I'm always cleaning. BUT I'm trying to not do that because realistically I can't and 2) we can't live in a museum. I'm found that I can handle some mess in most of the house but not the kitchen and the living room must be picked up before we go to bed. So now that I'm letting go in other areas, I really only focus on the one area I am (as my adoring husband says) unreasonably insane about. lol Can't win 'em all.
I haven't done Yoga since the kids got back 8/27. It's a bummer but no time. And now with the little girls alternating their nap schedules, I'm trying to use that time to work in bible study because even that is falling to the wayside some days as I the little girls are already awake when my alarm goes off. I have a hard enough time trying to force myself to focus for 30 minutes and if the girls are already awake, I can just forget it because it won't happen and I'll just frustrated.
On a side note, I've discovered the best part about iOS 7 and that is iTunes radio. Their 90's station has a GREAT variety of all the big hits from rock to pop to rap. This is the decade I LOVE. I would LOVE to have been 16 in 1991 and REALLY enjoyed that whole decade. As it was, I was 6-16 so I still got to experience a lot of it. I STILL watch a lot of 90's movies, and shows both on VHS (yep, we still have 2 vcr's and a good amount of movies and old school fat-white-case Disney hits) and netflix or dvd. I love the fashion, music, lack of being "plugged in", freedom and safety, if you will. My grandma used to let me walk 1/2 to school by myself in the first grade, play outside until it got dark and go to the park across the street. Now there's NO way I would let my kids do that. Heck, they JUST earned the freedom to play in the back yard as long as I'm in the living room or kitchen. They have to prove they can follow the rules and I had to wait until I knew what the activity was like in this neighborhood. If we lived ON base or in a small town, I would be a little more relaxed. Anyway, I loved the 90's but my favorite part was the music. I LOVE 90's rock, pop, dance, rap, country etc. Who names a band Chumbawumba? lol. Sigh. So much of today's music is so angry and it all sounds the same. Every other song. At home and with the kids around especially we only listen to country and Christian. My redneck husband doesn't like anything else so I oblige him a lot because it's easier then him complaining when I put my stuff on. But I am just in love with the variety of iTunes radio. I've been listening to the station for a total of 3 hours off and on all day and not a single repeat of song or artist.
I picked up a bunch of my favorite 90's kid movies today. My Girl, Homeward Bound, It Takes Two, Space Jam and The Never Ending Story (which is technically an 80's movie) but I saw it in my 90's childhood. I loved the 90's so much that I married someone born in 1990. lol.
I can't focus anymore tonight. Too much else going on. Another day.
I haven't done Yoga since the kids got back 8/27. It's a bummer but no time. And now with the little girls alternating their nap schedules, I'm trying to use that time to work in bible study because even that is falling to the wayside some days as I the little girls are already awake when my alarm goes off. I have a hard enough time trying to force myself to focus for 30 minutes and if the girls are already awake, I can just forget it because it won't happen and I'll just frustrated.
On a side note, I've discovered the best part about iOS 7 and that is iTunes radio. Their 90's station has a GREAT variety of all the big hits from rock to pop to rap. This is the decade I LOVE. I would LOVE to have been 16 in 1991 and REALLY enjoyed that whole decade. As it was, I was 6-16 so I still got to experience a lot of it. I STILL watch a lot of 90's movies, and shows both on VHS (yep, we still have 2 vcr's and a good amount of movies and old school fat-white-case Disney hits) and netflix or dvd. I love the fashion, music, lack of being "plugged in", freedom and safety, if you will. My grandma used to let me walk 1/2 to school by myself in the first grade, play outside until it got dark and go to the park across the street. Now there's NO way I would let my kids do that. Heck, they JUST earned the freedom to play in the back yard as long as I'm in the living room or kitchen. They have to prove they can follow the rules and I had to wait until I knew what the activity was like in this neighborhood. If we lived ON base or in a small town, I would be a little more relaxed. Anyway, I loved the 90's but my favorite part was the music. I LOVE 90's rock, pop, dance, rap, country etc. Who names a band Chumbawumba? lol. Sigh. So much of today's music is so angry and it all sounds the same. Every other song. At home and with the kids around especially we only listen to country and Christian. My redneck husband doesn't like anything else so I oblige him a lot because it's easier then him complaining when I put my stuff on. But I am just in love with the variety of iTunes radio. I've been listening to the station for a total of 3 hours off and on all day and not a single repeat of song or artist.
I picked up a bunch of my favorite 90's kid movies today. My Girl, Homeward Bound, It Takes Two, Space Jam and The Never Ending Story (which is technically an 80's movie) but I saw it in my 90's childhood. I loved the 90's so much that I married someone born in 1990. lol.
I can't focus anymore tonight. Too much else going on. Another day.
Monday, September 16, 2013
I should be sleeping......everyone else in the house is...
...and I have to be up in 5.5 hours to take my husband to work because I need the car tomorrow so I can go to my counseling appointment. I can't stand sharing one car some days. Most days it doesn't bother me but some days it does. But it's my own fault. I forgot to write down his schedule in my phone. So when I made my appointment last week (and I was at the counselors office and nowhere near my kitchen where his schedule hangs) I got my days mixed up (as usual) and so here we are. I'll be dragging all 4 kids out to drop him off and then come back home and pray the little girls go back to sleep. Allison is sick and has already woken up once since 6 pm crying.
This past weekend was rough. I double booked appointments because I didn't accurately account for time needed for the first one, forgot an important event, disappointed my kids because I told them we would go to Chuck E. Cheese and then pushed it off to next weekend because I forgot about something else we committed to. Ugh. FRUSTRATING! My house was an utter disaster from the week and weekend and at least my kitchen is half put back together. It took me 1.5 hours today (breaks included) to clean it up to my standards (not my husbands!) and him and the kids about 10 mins to thrash it.
I'm a perfectionist. If I had MY way, our house would look like a model home 24/7. K, on the other hand, likes it "lived in". Translation? A cluttered mess. He has a very high tolerance for mess. He left a milkshake cup on his nightstand one day and I decided to leave it there and see how long it took for him to be as annoyed as I was. A week later, I caved. Who knows how long it would have sat there. I'm always cleaning because he and the kids are always making a mess! And every time I attempt to delegate two things always happen: 1. They don't do it the way I like it. I am particular about a lot of stuff and a bit (ok, a lot!) of a control freak and 2. They take too long to do it. I've admitted that I'm impatient. I haven't found a way to fix that yet so I just end up doing everything. BUT I realize I am setting my kids up for failure and not teaching them responsibility and accountability. So I give them tasks now. They put their own clothes away(most of the time). Adri sets and clears the table. Luke feeds and waters the dog. Stuff like that. I try to give them tasks that I'm a little less particular about. I've never denied my perfectionist side. But it sure drives me (and everyone else in this house apparently) crazy. Because it causes breakdowns for me. Every few weeks, when the house has totally fallen apart, I just lose it and start crying. Because I'm completely overwhelmed and it seems like it's too much to handle. I feel like I never get any time to myself because I'm always cleaning and as soon as I get one room cleaned, and move on to another the kids and K destroy the one I just cleaned. But you wouldn't guess that I love to organize or that I'm a perfectionist by the usual state of my house. Because I have 4 kids, a dog and a man-child. Because I'm scatterbrained and disorganized by nature and can't do it all in one day (though I often try!). I can't even use slang while texting or online. No "b4" for me or "How R U?". It drives me INSANE. The typos. Ugh. I find typos in newspaper articles and books. Then it bugs me and I want to fix it. But I can't. Argh. My husband calls me the grammar nazi. Sheesh, what a nickname, huh? I'm not THAT bad. I just get on his case about saying things like "I'm not gonna drink no more soda" and when he uses words in the wrong context. I do this because our kids emulate is and bad grammar is not a habit I want them to pick up.
I'm suddenly really tired. I'm not sure why but I'm going to take advantage of it and get some sleep. I read some great articles and blogs this weekend about tips to organize and stay focused for adults with ADHD. I'm hoping to implement some this week. I also started using my "home routines" app for the iphone/ipad again this week. It's amazingly useful for me, when I remember to check it. Haha.
I also need to call back a local psychiatrist practice tomorrow and see about meds and if I can take any right now or if I need to wait until I wean M. Breastfeeding her until at least 18 months is very important to me and if it means I cope without meds for the next 10 months, than so be it. A saying I've seen a lot this past weekend in my research is "Pills don't build skills" and that is absolutely correct.
G'nite.
This past weekend was rough. I double booked appointments because I didn't accurately account for time needed for the first one, forgot an important event, disappointed my kids because I told them we would go to Chuck E. Cheese and then pushed it off to next weekend because I forgot about something else we committed to. Ugh. FRUSTRATING! My house was an utter disaster from the week and weekend and at least my kitchen is half put back together. It took me 1.5 hours today (breaks included) to clean it up to my standards (not my husbands!) and him and the kids about 10 mins to thrash it.
I'm a perfectionist. If I had MY way, our house would look like a model home 24/7. K, on the other hand, likes it "lived in". Translation? A cluttered mess. He has a very high tolerance for mess. He left a milkshake cup on his nightstand one day and I decided to leave it there and see how long it took for him to be as annoyed as I was. A week later, I caved. Who knows how long it would have sat there. I'm always cleaning because he and the kids are always making a mess! And every time I attempt to delegate two things always happen: 1. They don't do it the way I like it. I am particular about a lot of stuff and a bit (ok, a lot!) of a control freak and 2. They take too long to do it. I've admitted that I'm impatient. I haven't found a way to fix that yet so I just end up doing everything. BUT I realize I am setting my kids up for failure and not teaching them responsibility and accountability. So I give them tasks now. They put their own clothes away(most of the time). Adri sets and clears the table. Luke feeds and waters the dog. Stuff like that. I try to give them tasks that I'm a little less particular about. I've never denied my perfectionist side. But it sure drives me (and everyone else in this house apparently) crazy. Because it causes breakdowns for me. Every few weeks, when the house has totally fallen apart, I just lose it and start crying. Because I'm completely overwhelmed and it seems like it's too much to handle. I feel like I never get any time to myself because I'm always cleaning and as soon as I get one room cleaned, and move on to another the kids and K destroy the one I just cleaned. But you wouldn't guess that I love to organize or that I'm a perfectionist by the usual state of my house. Because I have 4 kids, a dog and a man-child. Because I'm scatterbrained and disorganized by nature and can't do it all in one day (though I often try!). I can't even use slang while texting or online. No "b4" for me or "How R U?". It drives me INSANE. The typos. Ugh. I find typos in newspaper articles and books. Then it bugs me and I want to fix it. But I can't. Argh. My husband calls me the grammar nazi. Sheesh, what a nickname, huh? I'm not THAT bad. I just get on his case about saying things like "I'm not gonna drink no more soda" and when he uses words in the wrong context. I do this because our kids emulate is and bad grammar is not a habit I want them to pick up.
I'm suddenly really tired. I'm not sure why but I'm going to take advantage of it and get some sleep. I read some great articles and blogs this weekend about tips to organize and stay focused for adults with ADHD. I'm hoping to implement some this week. I also started using my "home routines" app for the iphone/ipad again this week. It's amazingly useful for me, when I remember to check it. Haha.
I also need to call back a local psychiatrist practice tomorrow and see about meds and if I can take any right now or if I need to wait until I wean M. Breastfeeding her until at least 18 months is very important to me and if it means I cope without meds for the next 10 months, than so be it. A saying I've seen a lot this past weekend in my research is "Pills don't build skills" and that is absolutely correct.
G'nite.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
So apparently not all kids grow out of hyperactivity....
It just presents itself differently in adults.
White Collar is on. I love this show. This could take a while......
I've suspected that I have ADD for years. I basically self diagnosed myself after I married my husband and he told me he has ADD. So when I googled symptoms, and how I could help make his life (read: OUR life) easier, I realize I had a ton of these symptoms. Except he doesn't fidget like I do. His brain doesn't go-go-go all the time. He sleeps like a normal person. He knows how to relax.
OOOOO! Phone update-Patriots are leading the Jets. I really should invest in NFL ticket next year.
Anyway, so I thought I was just a type A person.
Well, fast forward 3 years and I started seeing a counselor this week. My temper and emotional outburst suck. Some days I get so overwhelmed and stressed out over STUPID stuff (like when we're late to church because I can't find my keys-or my phone-or my nursing cover) and then I'm throwing crap around and stomping my feet and having a tantrum like my almost 2 year old. It's embarrassing and juvenile. And I despise that about myself. My husband is so mellow. It takes SO MUCH to make him mad. That man seems to have limitless amount of patience. He just can't remember anything, or finish anything right away and will totally zone out (which I've learned this week is referred to as hyperfocus) for hours and totally not hear the baby crying. OR he's a man and has selective hearing. A little bit of both, I suspect.
This list is from add.about.com. Thing is.....I still do most of the childhood things minus running and climbing excessively (I bet I'd be in a smaller size jeans if I did!) and I can work quietly now (but in spurts).
Squirming, fidgeting
Can't stay seated in class, meals
Can't wait turn
Blurts out answers before questions have been completely asked
Runs and climbs excessively
Can't play or work quietly
On the go, driven by a motor
Talks excessively
Intrudes on personal space; interrupts others
Needs to move; feels restless inside, fidgety
Can't sit through meetings, meals, movies
Extremely impatient
Finishes people's sentences; draws rapid conclusions
Drives too fast, reckless
Prefers very active job
On the go; low tolerance for frustration
Talks excessively; makes inappropriate comments
Interrupts others; monopolizes conversations
I forgot to explain what the counselor said. Whoops. My brain goes faster than I type. Which is why I type more than write now. My writing is really sloppy because I'm trying to write as fast as my brain goes and it's impossible. And illegible. And I'm a perfectionist and so I don't like my writing because it's not neat and cute. Sigh.
Anyway, my counselor pegged this in less than 20 mins of talking to me. Mid-sentence she handed me a list of "things I experience on a daily basis" and they were grouped in 4 blocks. No titles. No indication as to what was what. She just told me to circle. So I did. 1-2 from 3 catagories and all 10 from another. She then handed me the key. I had circled 1 symptom of depression (not sleeping), 2 symptoms of PTSD (I startle easily and I forgot the other one) 1 symptom of anxiety (I worry often and sometimes irrationally) and all 10 from the ADD category. Then she explained why she had me do that and what she noticed and what I had told her about my history. Then she asked me in detail about my temper and flare ups. I told her initially my reasoning for seeking help was to get a handle on my temper. I thought I had the ADD thing under control.
Another field Goal. We're up by 10 over the Jets. I love my ESPN app.
I didn't know that my temper could be part of the ADD. Whoops. I didn't do a lot of research before. I skimmed a few things, figured both K and I had made it this far and went about life. He's active duty so he won't do anything because he doesn't want to be kicked out. He also tends to self-mediate with caffeine when he's at work and it works for him so he's good in that area I suppose. Caffeine helps me too but not as much. It makes my days a little easier but as soon as it wears off, being inside my head sucks.
So anyway, she mentioned the hyperactivity and I laughed and said I wasn't a kid anymore. At which point she explained the above mentioned facts. Huh. Mind blown. So I've done tons of research the last 2 days. Read blogs of moms with ADD. Tried to see if I could take meds and still breastfeed the baby. Read articles about coping skills and methods that have worked for other people. It's overwhelming. It's helpful to know that I'm not a total space cadet and it's not for lack of trying to keep my life (and my family/house) put together. I beat myself up a lot because my house is always somewhat messy, the mail is overflowing from it's slot in the divider on the desk, the laundry is never actually done, doing my bible study every morning is hard because it requires sitting still and focusing, I forget everything if it's not written down, I lose things all the time, I am short fused and I'm always on go and impatient with everyone around me and the thing that upsets me the most is I can't relax. I CANNOT sit and do ONE thing. When I try, I start losing it. Like when K and I try to play Scrabble (which he loves even though he always loses lol). When it's his turn and he's mulling over his letters and trying to figure out what to play to get the most points. Well, I try to sit still and watch and pay attention. But that lasts about 2 minutes. So I pull out my phone. And scroll though facebook. Or twitter. And then he's poking me, frustrated because he feels like I'm giving him my full attention and spending quality time with him. :(
I can't just sit and watch a movie. I have to be crocheting. Or folding clothes. Or on my ipad. It SUCKS.
And my kids get mad that I rush them all the time. Because I lose track of time. And then we're late. I have about 12 alarms on my phone to remind me of menial tasks that SHOULD be habit by now. Like when to leave for school. Or when to pick the kids up from school. Or when to take the trashcans out every week. Or to eat. Yes, I have reminders to eat. Otherwise, I forget. Until 6 hours have passed and I'm a BEAR because my blood sugar is low and I'm hungry. Sigh.
I was reading an articles on ADHD coping skills earlier and they all said that getting enough sleep is key. I hate sleeping. I know that sounds nuts but it takes me forever to fall asleep because my brain won't shut up. Plus, I can think of about 39349 other things I could be doing. And every day my to-do list is a mile long and I'm always trying to do as much as I can after the kids go to bed and next thing I know it's midnight. And I wake up at 640 every day so I can drink my coffee and read my bible in silence before the kids are up and it's a zoo. Some days I snooze right through it because I stayed up too late the night before and I'm exhausted. Like last night. And today was hell.
My husband got a vasectomy this morning. God has blessed us with 4 beautiful kids and we will be foster parents later (I grew up as a foster kid and I feel I have a lot of insight to help a kid someday) and we are DONE. Plus, my darling, sweet, McKenna is a very high needs baby and as much as I love her, if she would have been my first, she might have been my only.
Well, it's now 9:55 pm and I it took me over an hour to write this because I had to stop and start. And for the last 30 minutes I've been rocking my sweet Allison back down. She's 23 months and cutting her 2 year molars and she woke up crying. She is my best sleeper so when she wakes up, it's for a legitimate. reason. So I'm finally heading to bed. I'm tempted to stay up and watch reruns of The Big Bang Theory and await the outcome of the Patriots game but I'm going to try to get to bed. On the plus side it's only 10 pm and that's 2 hours earlier than I usually go to bed! I'll read for a bit though. That's the one thing I can do for a somewhat substantial amount of time. I had a rough upbringing (another post for another day) and I would read as an escape and tune out. It still works.
White Collar is on. I love this show. This could take a while......
I've suspected that I have ADD for years. I basically self diagnosed myself after I married my husband and he told me he has ADD. So when I googled symptoms, and how I could help make his life (read: OUR life) easier, I realize I had a ton of these symptoms. Except he doesn't fidget like I do. His brain doesn't go-go-go all the time. He sleeps like a normal person. He knows how to relax.
OOOOO! Phone update-Patriots are leading the Jets. I really should invest in NFL ticket next year.
Anyway, so I thought I was just a type A person.
Well, fast forward 3 years and I started seeing a counselor this week. My temper and emotional outburst suck. Some days I get so overwhelmed and stressed out over STUPID stuff (like when we're late to church because I can't find my keys-or my phone-or my nursing cover) and then I'm throwing crap around and stomping my feet and having a tantrum like my almost 2 year old. It's embarrassing and juvenile. And I despise that about myself. My husband is so mellow. It takes SO MUCH to make him mad. That man seems to have limitless amount of patience. He just can't remember anything, or finish anything right away and will totally zone out (which I've learned this week is referred to as hyperfocus) for hours and totally not hear the baby crying. OR he's a man and has selective hearing. A little bit of both, I suspect.
This list is from add.about.com. Thing is.....I still do most of the childhood things minus running and climbing excessively (I bet I'd be in a smaller size jeans if I did!) and I can work quietly now (but in spurts).
Childhood
Adulthood
I forgot to explain what the counselor said. Whoops. My brain goes faster than I type. Which is why I type more than write now. My writing is really sloppy because I'm trying to write as fast as my brain goes and it's impossible. And illegible. And I'm a perfectionist and so I don't like my writing because it's not neat and cute. Sigh.
Anyway, my counselor pegged this in less than 20 mins of talking to me. Mid-sentence she handed me a list of "things I experience on a daily basis" and they were grouped in 4 blocks. No titles. No indication as to what was what. She just told me to circle. So I did. 1-2 from 3 catagories and all 10 from another. She then handed me the key. I had circled 1 symptom of depression (not sleeping), 2 symptoms of PTSD (I startle easily and I forgot the other one) 1 symptom of anxiety (I worry often and sometimes irrationally) and all 10 from the ADD category. Then she explained why she had me do that and what she noticed and what I had told her about my history. Then she asked me in detail about my temper and flare ups. I told her initially my reasoning for seeking help was to get a handle on my temper. I thought I had the ADD thing under control.
Another field Goal. We're up by 10 over the Jets. I love my ESPN app.
I didn't know that my temper could be part of the ADD. Whoops. I didn't do a lot of research before. I skimmed a few things, figured both K and I had made it this far and went about life. He's active duty so he won't do anything because he doesn't want to be kicked out. He also tends to self-mediate with caffeine when he's at work and it works for him so he's good in that area I suppose. Caffeine helps me too but not as much. It makes my days a little easier but as soon as it wears off, being inside my head sucks.
So anyway, she mentioned the hyperactivity and I laughed and said I wasn't a kid anymore. At which point she explained the above mentioned facts. Huh. Mind blown. So I've done tons of research the last 2 days. Read blogs of moms with ADD. Tried to see if I could take meds and still breastfeed the baby. Read articles about coping skills and methods that have worked for other people. It's overwhelming. It's helpful to know that I'm not a total space cadet and it's not for lack of trying to keep my life (and my family/house) put together. I beat myself up a lot because my house is always somewhat messy, the mail is overflowing from it's slot in the divider on the desk, the laundry is never actually done, doing my bible study every morning is hard because it requires sitting still and focusing, I forget everything if it's not written down, I lose things all the time, I am short fused and I'm always on go and impatient with everyone around me and the thing that upsets me the most is I can't relax. I CANNOT sit and do ONE thing. When I try, I start losing it. Like when K and I try to play Scrabble (which he loves even though he always loses lol). When it's his turn and he's mulling over his letters and trying to figure out what to play to get the most points. Well, I try to sit still and watch and pay attention. But that lasts about 2 minutes. So I pull out my phone. And scroll though facebook. Or twitter. And then he's poking me, frustrated because he feels like I'm giving him my full attention and spending quality time with him. :(
I can't just sit and watch a movie. I have to be crocheting. Or folding clothes. Or on my ipad. It SUCKS.
And my kids get mad that I rush them all the time. Because I lose track of time. And then we're late. I have about 12 alarms on my phone to remind me of menial tasks that SHOULD be habit by now. Like when to leave for school. Or when to pick the kids up from school. Or when to take the trashcans out every week. Or to eat. Yes, I have reminders to eat. Otherwise, I forget. Until 6 hours have passed and I'm a BEAR because my blood sugar is low and I'm hungry. Sigh.
I was reading an articles on ADHD coping skills earlier and they all said that getting enough sleep is key. I hate sleeping. I know that sounds nuts but it takes me forever to fall asleep because my brain won't shut up. Plus, I can think of about 39349 other things I could be doing. And every day my to-do list is a mile long and I'm always trying to do as much as I can after the kids go to bed and next thing I know it's midnight. And I wake up at 640 every day so I can drink my coffee and read my bible in silence before the kids are up and it's a zoo. Some days I snooze right through it because I stayed up too late the night before and I'm exhausted. Like last night. And today was hell.
My husband got a vasectomy this morning. God has blessed us with 4 beautiful kids and we will be foster parents later (I grew up as a foster kid and I feel I have a lot of insight to help a kid someday) and we are DONE. Plus, my darling, sweet, McKenna is a very high needs baby and as much as I love her, if she would have been my first, she might have been my only.
Well, it's now 9:55 pm and I it took me over an hour to write this because I had to stop and start. And for the last 30 minutes I've been rocking my sweet Allison back down. She's 23 months and cutting her 2 year molars and she woke up crying. She is my best sleeper so when she wakes up, it's for a legitimate. reason. So I'm finally heading to bed. I'm tempted to stay up and watch reruns of The Big Bang Theory and await the outcome of the Patriots game but I'm going to try to get to bed. On the plus side it's only 10 pm and that's 2 hours earlier than I usually go to bed! I'll read for a bit though. That's the one thing I can do for a somewhat substantial amount of time. I had a rough upbringing (another post for another day) and I would read as an escape and tune out. It still works.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
400 miles of left turns and yet I love it.
Yes, I am a NASCAR junkie. In the last 3 months, I have been COMPLETELY sucked into the sport. The only other sport I love half as much is football but I REALLY love NASCAR.
I catch a lot of flack for being a NE Patriots fan being a San Diego native. But rooting for the Chargers means accepting loss a lot and never going to the Superbowl. Well, not never but slim chances. The Pats have had their ups and downs in for the last 14 years, I've been a loyal fan. But something about Nascar has just sucked me in and so I am a Jimmie Johnson fan as he is also a San Diego local. I chose him as my driver BEFORE I even knew his stats so I am NOT a bandwagon-er. lol. I blame my dear friend Sherry and her husband.
This past weekend was a very important race. The last race before the Chase (otherwise known as the playoffs). There was blatant cheating. An entire team worked together to fix the race. The lack of integrity and dirty foul play was terrible!
As someone who places a high value on honesty, fairness and integrity I was angry. MY driver was not involved at all, thankfully. I don't know why I opted to open this post with that but maybe it's because I've read tons of articles about it in the last 2 days.
I started counseling again today. And after going off and on for 25 years, she may be the first counselor that may be able to help me. At least it seems like it. It's also a Christian based counseling center so I really like that as well. She gave me homework. I'm to come up with three goals I want to get out of my sessions. And she also diagnosed me with ADHD (after 45 mins. sheesh). I know I have ADD but I didn't realize I still had the hyperactive part. I thought we grew out of that in the teenage years. Guess not. She said that is why I talk constantly, can't sit still, can't relax, and am constantly, go, go, go. Now, to learn to live with it.
It's almost 1030. I told myself I'd be in bed before then tonight.
I catch a lot of flack for being a NE Patriots fan being a San Diego native. But rooting for the Chargers means accepting loss a lot and never going to the Superbowl. Well, not never but slim chances. The Pats have had their ups and downs in for the last 14 years, I've been a loyal fan. But something about Nascar has just sucked me in and so I am a Jimmie Johnson fan as he is also a San Diego local. I chose him as my driver BEFORE I even knew his stats so I am NOT a bandwagon-er. lol. I blame my dear friend Sherry and her husband.
This past weekend was a very important race. The last race before the Chase (otherwise known as the playoffs). There was blatant cheating. An entire team worked together to fix the race. The lack of integrity and dirty foul play was terrible!
As someone who places a high value on honesty, fairness and integrity I was angry. MY driver was not involved at all, thankfully. I don't know why I opted to open this post with that but maybe it's because I've read tons of articles about it in the last 2 days.
I started counseling again today. And after going off and on for 25 years, she may be the first counselor that may be able to help me. At least it seems like it. It's also a Christian based counseling center so I really like that as well. She gave me homework. I'm to come up with three goals I want to get out of my sessions. And she also diagnosed me with ADHD (after 45 mins. sheesh). I know I have ADD but I didn't realize I still had the hyperactive part. I thought we grew out of that in the teenage years. Guess not. She said that is why I talk constantly, can't sit still, can't relax, and am constantly, go, go, go. Now, to learn to live with it.
It's almost 1030. I told myself I'd be in bed before then tonight.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Even coffee can't fix some mornings.
But maybe if I found a way to get it through an IV, maybe?
I really hate the days that start off so chaotic that I'm wishing for bedtime before I've even finished my coffee. It's actually cool out here today. It feels like San Diego weather and it's beautiful. I had really grand plans for today that included taking the little girls to the park before morning nap time. But they apparently thought that was a cockamie idea and opted for a tantrum contest instead. I felt like putting my head through a wall. So we scrapped the park idea, I heated up my second cup of coffee and put the baby down for a nap, parked Allison's butt on the couch with Mickey Mouse and here I am to whine.
Did I mention my husband is at the Naval hospital getting his consult for his vasectomy? :D :D :D :D
I love being home with the kids. But some days, I wish I had a job, even a menial job like Target just to get a break. Actually, I liked working at Target and if I ever go back to retail, that will be the ONLY company I'll work for. Even though my entire paycheck would go to daycare and gas. Even though I'd have even more on my plate to juggle. Even though I'd be subject to coupon crazies fighting over the coupon policy in order to save 50 cents off a bottle of shampoo. Even though I'd be coming home after the kids were in bed some nights and eating cereal for dinner. Even with all that, some days it sounds better than being home with McKenna who screams more than she smiles some days. And Allison is still about 3 weeks shy of turning 2 but has definitely gotten comfortable with the word NO! and Mine! and seeing how far she can launch a sippy cup when I won't let her use my rolled up yoga mat to play whack-a-dog. Some days, it sounds like it would be relaxing.
Then I'm jolted back to reality. Usually when McKenna has stopped squealing long enough to be cute and play with her toes. And Allison has climbed up next to me to show me where my nose and eyes and mouth is and then ask for a kiss. Then I remember that with the hard times, come the good times. That for every tantrum, there is a cuddle moment or two. That it's a balancing act and I just to need to remember that. That these days go so fast and they'll be gone before I know it and a small piece of me will wish them back (well, maybe not the tantrums).
My first 3 kids were more or less the same as babies. They were easy to please, easy sleepers, totally content to be by themselves periodically and while they had a routine, they did okay if it varied once in a while. Then there's McKenna. She is my wild card. And she's particular and completely unpredictable at the same time. There's no rhyme or reason to her. What works for her one day, doesn't work the next. She cannot seem to function unless she's attached to me some days and other days, I actually can put her down for a few minutes. I try to babywear when I can but as I've mentioned before, that only works so long before I'm overwhelmed and need a break. So I'm trying to get her on SOME sort of schedule so that we can BOTH be happy. Poor Allison has pretty much been cooped up all summer as we try to dance around McKenna's sleep (or lack thereof) schedule. It usually happens that McKenna wakes up right as Allison goes down, and then goes down again right as Allison wakes up. So from 930-330 every day, we're stuck here bouncing between nap times. What a bummer. I feel bad. My older two were cooped up a lot as toddlers due to the lack of a vehicle. Now I have one but no time. lol I know this won't last forever, but I just hate being cooped up in the house all the time.
Well. At least it's Friday and Kenneth has the day off. We are going to finish a bookshelf we are customizing for Adrianna and then I am going to work on a baby gift I'm crocheting for a dear friend. I need to get on it! Her babies will likely be born in 2 months! Tomorrow, we're taking a picnic lunch to Kids Cove, this big playground at Mount Trashmore (landfill converted to a park is a great idea, but what a name!) in Virgina Beach and we will play and fly kites and roll down the big hill. I'm enjoying having ALL my kiddos home.
Even if there are days when a 51/50 sounds like a mini-vacation. ;)
I really hate the days that start off so chaotic that I'm wishing for bedtime before I've even finished my coffee. It's actually cool out here today. It feels like San Diego weather and it's beautiful. I had really grand plans for today that included taking the little girls to the park before morning nap time. But they apparently thought that was a cockamie idea and opted for a tantrum contest instead. I felt like putting my head through a wall. So we scrapped the park idea, I heated up my second cup of coffee and put the baby down for a nap, parked Allison's butt on the couch with Mickey Mouse and here I am to whine.
Did I mention my husband is at the Naval hospital getting his consult for his vasectomy? :D :D :D :D
I love being home with the kids. But some days, I wish I had a job, even a menial job like Target just to get a break. Actually, I liked working at Target and if I ever go back to retail, that will be the ONLY company I'll work for. Even though my entire paycheck would go to daycare and gas. Even though I'd have even more on my plate to juggle. Even though I'd be subject to coupon crazies fighting over the coupon policy in order to save 50 cents off a bottle of shampoo. Even though I'd be coming home after the kids were in bed some nights and eating cereal for dinner. Even with all that, some days it sounds better than being home with McKenna who screams more than she smiles some days. And Allison is still about 3 weeks shy of turning 2 but has definitely gotten comfortable with the word NO! and Mine! and seeing how far she can launch a sippy cup when I won't let her use my rolled up yoga mat to play whack-a-dog. Some days, it sounds like it would be relaxing.
Then I'm jolted back to reality. Usually when McKenna has stopped squealing long enough to be cute and play with her toes. And Allison has climbed up next to me to show me where my nose and eyes and mouth is and then ask for a kiss. Then I remember that with the hard times, come the good times. That for every tantrum, there is a cuddle moment or two. That it's a balancing act and I just to need to remember that. That these days go so fast and they'll be gone before I know it and a small piece of me will wish them back (well, maybe not the tantrums).
My first 3 kids were more or less the same as babies. They were easy to please, easy sleepers, totally content to be by themselves periodically and while they had a routine, they did okay if it varied once in a while. Then there's McKenna. She is my wild card. And she's particular and completely unpredictable at the same time. There's no rhyme or reason to her. What works for her one day, doesn't work the next. She cannot seem to function unless she's attached to me some days and other days, I actually can put her down for a few minutes. I try to babywear when I can but as I've mentioned before, that only works so long before I'm overwhelmed and need a break. So I'm trying to get her on SOME sort of schedule so that we can BOTH be happy. Poor Allison has pretty much been cooped up all summer as we try to dance around McKenna's sleep (or lack thereof) schedule. It usually happens that McKenna wakes up right as Allison goes down, and then goes down again right as Allison wakes up. So from 930-330 every day, we're stuck here bouncing between nap times. What a bummer. I feel bad. My older two were cooped up a lot as toddlers due to the lack of a vehicle. Now I have one but no time. lol I know this won't last forever, but I just hate being cooped up in the house all the time.
Well. At least it's Friday and Kenneth has the day off. We are going to finish a bookshelf we are customizing for Adrianna and then I am going to work on a baby gift I'm crocheting for a dear friend. I need to get on it! Her babies will likely be born in 2 months! Tomorrow, we're taking a picnic lunch to Kids Cove, this big playground at Mount Trashmore (landfill converted to a park is a great idea, but what a name!) in Virgina Beach and we will play and fly kites and roll down the big hill. I'm enjoying having ALL my kiddos home.
Even if there are days when a 51/50 sounds like a mini-vacation. ;)
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
My patience limit does not involve most adults.
It really doesn't. It gets sucked up daily by my children, the dog, Virginia drivers and the fact that my dishwasher hasn't figured out how to unload itself.
So when a friend and I don't see eye to eye on something, sure it stinks but it's life. We're all different people so therefore we're bound to disagree from time to time. On everything from what constitutes quality television (yes, NASCAR counts, and no Keeping up the with Kardashians does not), whether or not leggings count as actual pants (no, they don't) and if the West Coast is better than the East Coast (yes, most definitely).
But I guess sometimes things get misconstrued or misinterpreted. I'm non-confrontational and will walk away rather than get into a yelling match with someone. I've lost a few friends over the years because I refuse to chase after them and beg them to work something out. I offer once to fix it and if it doesn't take, then I move on. I suppose that stems from my upbringing. As a foster kid for 14 years, I guess I got so used to people coming in and out at their leisure that I just learned to move on and replace them. Bad habit? Maybe. Self-preservation? Definitely. And at 29 years old, I still haven't found a different (better is a matter of opinion) way to deal. Goals for the future.
So while reading a book today (Gotcha! by Fern Michaels is a good book) in which a character is a multimillionaire, it got me thinking what I would do if I ever came into a large sum of money in excess of 6 digits. I've had this chat with many friends before and a lot of them want flashy cars, big mansions, yachts, designer clothes, etc. And this is not a judgement pass on friends, but when you have the basic needs met, it's understandable that people wouldn't think of that. Without going into too much detail, my childhood is not something I would wish on anyone. So while thinking of it today, I realized that I wouldn't want to be that rich. I'd just like to be well enough off that I never had to worry where our next meal came from, that we could replace tires on a car without using credit cards or living on a shoe string budget the next 2 months afterward, that we could pay off a house and never worry that if we got laid off, we wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage. I'd love to travel with my kids and show them things like the Sistine Chapel, Alaska, the Eiffel tower, the great Mayan ruins, and other historical places. Places that I only ever saw on the internet. I'd like them to try different sports and activites and find something they really love. I loved photography and soccer and only got to take a few photo classes in high school and only played a year of formal team soccer (though I played in the park and alley for years). There were times when I questioned where my next meal came from. No one came to any awards ceremonies or classroom performances. I sure wish someone would have taken me to get a pedi and ice cream like I do with Adrianna. Or pick out shark books, like I do with Luke. My grandma (as referenced in a previous post) was the closest thing I had to parent and while she was amazing, it's not the same as having a family. And having your basic needs met. I don't need a Ferrari. I love my grand caravan but I could do without the $455 a month payment. Things like that. I'm a pretty simple person. I don't have expensive taste nor do I need a lot. I would give my kids the kind of childhood I didn't have but should have had.
EVERY night I tell myself I'll be in bed by 930. And every night it takes me until almost 9 to get McKenna to sleep (I lay down to nurse her about 745). And I NEED time to myself at the end of the night to relax or I go insane. I usually read, hang out with the husband, play on pinterest, crochet, etc. ANYTHING but laundry, dishes and wiping a kids butt. So by the time I actually do that long enough to relax, it's easily 1045-11. I wake up most mornings by 640 to read my bible and have my coffee before the kids wake up. If I don't do it then, it doesn't happen and not only is it important to me that I do this daily, reading my Bible first thing and having that time with God really makes my days run smoother. That didn't happen today because I stayed up too late last night editing pictures. And here it is again, 11:18 pm and I'm still up. Oy vey.
But I suppose I'm forced to go to bed now because my laptop battery is dying. Whoops. lol
So when a friend and I don't see eye to eye on something, sure it stinks but it's life. We're all different people so therefore we're bound to disagree from time to time. On everything from what constitutes quality television (yes, NASCAR counts, and no Keeping up the with Kardashians does not), whether or not leggings count as actual pants (no, they don't) and if the West Coast is better than the East Coast (yes, most definitely).
But I guess sometimes things get misconstrued or misinterpreted. I'm non-confrontational and will walk away rather than get into a yelling match with someone. I've lost a few friends over the years because I refuse to chase after them and beg them to work something out. I offer once to fix it and if it doesn't take, then I move on. I suppose that stems from my upbringing. As a foster kid for 14 years, I guess I got so used to people coming in and out at their leisure that I just learned to move on and replace them. Bad habit? Maybe. Self-preservation? Definitely. And at 29 years old, I still haven't found a different (better is a matter of opinion) way to deal. Goals for the future.
So while reading a book today (Gotcha! by Fern Michaels is a good book) in which a character is a multimillionaire, it got me thinking what I would do if I ever came into a large sum of money in excess of 6 digits. I've had this chat with many friends before and a lot of them want flashy cars, big mansions, yachts, designer clothes, etc. And this is not a judgement pass on friends, but when you have the basic needs met, it's understandable that people wouldn't think of that. Without going into too much detail, my childhood is not something I would wish on anyone. So while thinking of it today, I realized that I wouldn't want to be that rich. I'd just like to be well enough off that I never had to worry where our next meal came from, that we could replace tires on a car without using credit cards or living on a shoe string budget the next 2 months afterward, that we could pay off a house and never worry that if we got laid off, we wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage. I'd love to travel with my kids and show them things like the Sistine Chapel, Alaska, the Eiffel tower, the great Mayan ruins, and other historical places. Places that I only ever saw on the internet. I'd like them to try different sports and activites and find something they really love. I loved photography and soccer and only got to take a few photo classes in high school and only played a year of formal team soccer (though I played in the park and alley for years). There were times when I questioned where my next meal came from. No one came to any awards ceremonies or classroom performances. I sure wish someone would have taken me to get a pedi and ice cream like I do with Adrianna. Or pick out shark books, like I do with Luke. My grandma (as referenced in a previous post) was the closest thing I had to parent and while she was amazing, it's not the same as having a family. And having your basic needs met. I don't need a Ferrari. I love my grand caravan but I could do without the $455 a month payment. Things like that. I'm a pretty simple person. I don't have expensive taste nor do I need a lot. I would give my kids the kind of childhood I didn't have but should have had.
EVERY night I tell myself I'll be in bed by 930. And every night it takes me until almost 9 to get McKenna to sleep (I lay down to nurse her about 745). And I NEED time to myself at the end of the night to relax or I go insane. I usually read, hang out with the husband, play on pinterest, crochet, etc. ANYTHING but laundry, dishes and wiping a kids butt. So by the time I actually do that long enough to relax, it's easily 1045-11. I wake up most mornings by 640 to read my bible and have my coffee before the kids wake up. If I don't do it then, it doesn't happen and not only is it important to me that I do this daily, reading my Bible first thing and having that time with God really makes my days run smoother. That didn't happen today because I stayed up too late last night editing pictures. And here it is again, 11:18 pm and I'm still up. Oy vey.
But I suppose I'm forced to go to bed now because my laptop battery is dying. Whoops. lol
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
First day of school!
My darlings started school today. My babies aren't babies anymore. Boooohooooo. :(
I am the proud (VERY proud!) mom of a kindergartener and a 2nd grader.
And McKenna was on a war path tonight, thus I am too exhausted to post much more than this. Tomorrow maybe. With a gallon of coffee to fuel me. ;)
I am the proud (VERY proud!) mom of a kindergartener and a 2nd grader.
And McKenna was on a war path tonight, thus I am too exhausted to post much more than this. Tomorrow maybe. With a gallon of coffee to fuel me. ;)
Friday, August 30, 2013
End of the longest summer ever
My kiddos are home!!! After 10 weeks (77 days) apart, I FINALLY have my oldest two back home. Ever since we moved across the country, my ex-husband's summer visitation jumped from alternate weeks to 10 weeks straight. This was INCREDIBLY difficult for me. Prior to this, I had never been apart from my kids for longer than the 1.5 weeks he usually got after Christmas. So it was a rough summer. A lonely and quiet summer. I mean, I still had the little girls of course but they're so young still and they don't do much. And with their alternating nap schedules, it's not worth the hassle. But now my big kids are home!
In June, I flew them from Virginia to California and we flew out a few days early. I get the first week after school lets out and the last week before school resumes so I took a few of my days and we spent them with my side of the family in California. He picked up the kids from my mom's house and they were excited to see him but he (as usual) showed little emotion and gave them the same sort of hello he might offer to a cashier at 7-11. My oldest, Adrianna (who was 6 at the time) clung to me and cried, whispering that she didn't want to go. My son (who is 5) was less affected by his dad's monotone hello. I encouraged her to go to him and reminded her of all the family she would see soon and how much fun she would have. Outside I was smiling. Inside, my heart was breaking. I wanted to wrap them in my arms and refuse to let them go. He looked like he could care less of he saw them and I was fighting all my maternal instinct to hold them close. But, I said a quick prayer and asked for strength and ushered them out to his mom's car. I helped them into the car, made sure they had their lovies and backpacks. Again, Adrianna begged me not to make her go and I felt terrible that she felt like I was forcing her but I had no choice. Luke started to break down when he realized it was really time to go and as usual, my ex left me to do the comforting and parenting as he sat in the car. I kept my game face on until they got in and were buckled and walked back into my parents house and bawled my eyes out.
Fast forward 77 days and I had them back in my arms. My sweet angels. I love them so much!
In June, I flew them from Virginia to California and we flew out a few days early. I get the first week after school lets out and the last week before school resumes so I took a few of my days and we spent them with my side of the family in California. He picked up the kids from my mom's house and they were excited to see him but he (as usual) showed little emotion and gave them the same sort of hello he might offer to a cashier at 7-11. My oldest, Adrianna (who was 6 at the time) clung to me and cried, whispering that she didn't want to go. My son (who is 5) was less affected by his dad's monotone hello. I encouraged her to go to him and reminded her of all the family she would see soon and how much fun she would have. Outside I was smiling. Inside, my heart was breaking. I wanted to wrap them in my arms and refuse to let them go. He looked like he could care less of he saw them and I was fighting all my maternal instinct to hold them close. But, I said a quick prayer and asked for strength and ushered them out to his mom's car. I helped them into the car, made sure they had their lovies and backpacks. Again, Adrianna begged me not to make her go and I felt terrible that she felt like I was forcing her but I had no choice. Luke started to break down when he realized it was really time to go and as usual, my ex left me to do the comforting and parenting as he sat in the car. I kept my game face on until they got in and were buckled and walked back into my parents house and bawled my eyes out.
Fast forward 77 days and I had them back in my arms. My sweet angels. I love them so much!
Saturday, August 24, 2013
I have a hard time coming up with catchy headlines
Since there's no theme to this blog (I'm not a photographer so I can't use my my recent subject matter, nor do I only write about one topic i.e. politics, or music so I can't use the names of bills or albums, etc.), I have a hard time coming up with "titles" for each blog. So forgive me for that.
We all have someone who we look up to, admire, strive to be like and who we can spend hours with. As you can guess from my last post, that is a short list for me (not counting kids or my husband). A list consisting of one person: My grandma, Florence. She's amazing. She's kind, compassionate, intelligent, wise, loving, faithful, God-fearing, dedicated, and she's the only person in my family and my whole life really, who has been there for me since the day I came into this world. She held me before my own father did. He felt a cigarette was more demanding at the time. She has always told me that when she held me she looked at me and said "Well, it's you and me kid" since there wasn't a whole lot to be said for my meth addicted mom who didn't want to have a child in the first place. She stuck around until I was 4 but her friends felt like I was interfering with her life and I suppose peer pressure can still be highly effective at 29 if you let it. So when my dad took over for my mom, my grandma (who is his mother) had me a lot. She is the reason I know how to love my own kids. Because my parents certainly didn't teach me that.
I ended up going into foster care at 6 and she took me for a year when I was 6/7 but to be honest, between the ADD and my general angry-at-the-world attitude (what foster kid isn't to some degree?) I was a bit of a handful for my grandfather (who is actually my step grandfather and doesn't really like young kids) and my great-grandma Louise. So she reluctantly put me back into the system but she never left me. She visited me often, no matter what part of San Diego county I bounced around to, took me for weekends and holidays and my birthday, wrote me letters and sent me gifts and called a few times a week. Then she moved to a rinky-dink island in the south Pacific due to my grandfathers job and letters and phone calls became all we had.That didn't stop her though. She wrote me letters and told me the ways of life living on an island 1 mile wide and 2 miles long. No cars. Just bikes. Then eventually, they moved back. Then they moved to Yuma. And back again. Through it all, she made sure I knew I wasn't alone.
My grandma is the reason I am a Christian. She has followed Christ and gone to church since before I was born. She started taking me when I was 3 and she had me on a weekend. Growing up, I wasn't really into "the God thing" and while I always believed in God, I had no desire to live a life full of rules, can-nots and judgement (in that I didn't want to be judged every time I did something "un-Christian). Funny thing is, it doesn't have to be that way and my grandma showed me that. The only "rule" she lives by is to follow Christ and the rest sorts itself out. She does what she wants, when she wants and she's quite stubborn. But with Christ as the center of her life, obviously she's not out getting smashed or writing bad checks. She attends church and home fellowship weekly. She makes BEAUTIFUL quilts for people for gifts. She reads the Bible every morning and all the way through each year. She serves on mission trips and used to do a lot of outreach. And she's certainly loved me unconditionally over the years, no matter what. I have done some stupid things in my life and she never stopped loving me, though I did get a few lectures. She has always loved me, for me. People just LOVE her. She makes friends everywhere she goes, she is quite the social butterfly at church and she's had some of the same friends for YEARS. Longer than my 29. Our family loves her. She's very close to all of us in her own way. She has a designated room at my cousin's house in Las Vegas. She has a special relationship with my cousin, her "shell". She adores my kids, her great grand kids. She is an amazing person and one day, I hope people love, respect and care for me the way they do for her.
We used to just sit around and talk. She would tell me about my childhood. Or her childhood. Or where she was when JFK was shot or how she used to curl her hair back in the 1960's. She taught me how to sew and the only quilt I've ever made was with her. She instilled in me good habits. Like drinking a lot of water, not turning on a car until all the seat belts are buckled, reading my Bible, the love of books. I LOVE to read. Which I credit her for. She started reading to me as an infant and my very first trip to a library was when I was 4 and she took me. She taught me how to make peanut butter and honey sandwiches, which I have passed on to all my kids and I still eat regularly. She taught me how to flip pancakes, that it's ok to cry over "Land Before Time" when you're 8 and that you're never too old for Winnie-the-Pooh. She taught me how to paint my nails, and do puzzles. And she taught me that it's ok to be upset with God when tragedy happens, because she had suffered through her own fair share.
Well, it wasn't a tragedy in that it was final but when my loving grandma had a debilitating stroke on her flight back from Scotland in September of 2012, it was tragic. Without going into all the details (because frankly, I don't want to relive them) my grandma suffered a stroke that had her in ICU for 3 weeks under heavy sedation to alleviate swelling in her brain, then in a rehab center and finally home but left her paralyzed on her right side, in a wheelchair, and unable to speak. As of this writing, she has regained the strength to stand and take a few steps with assistance and her speech improves daily, though 80% is still incoherent and she is still paralyzed on the right side. So it's a good thing she's left handed.
This tore me up. I was scared and angry. SO ANGRY with God, and the pilot who didn't land the plane right away (she had the stroke roughly 2 hours outside of San Diego but there were other air ports), whoever it was on the ground that decided this wasn't a big enough emergency to warrant an emergency landing, her doctor who allowed her to go off her blood thinners (as a result of a previous mild stroke a year earlier), and basically anyone who I could be angry at. For a moment, I was even angry with her for requesting to be taken off the blood thinners (she didn't like that she bruised so easily). But that only lasted a second.
So I turned on God. I ranted and raved. I was mad and angry. And I had never had much of a prayer life before this and now I had one, an angry one. There wasn't a lot of thanks in those prayers. I didn't feel like I had much to thank him for. I was wrong obviously, but didn't see it at the time and was struggling to see outside the little box of anger I was drowning in. It took me a while but I came around and turned to the one person that my grandma had taught me to turn to in times of need: Jesus.
Today, I am a Christian and I live my live to please God. I am happier than I've ever been. My grandma has raised me to love Jesus and for years I rebelled against that. I felt like by living a "goody two shoes" life, I would miss out on something. Nope. So after her stroke, I did the typical thing and prayed the standard "If you save my grandma, I promise to go to church and read my bible more" prayer. I bargained, even though I knew that was NOT the way The Lord worked. BUT He did save my grandma! She is not quite the same, but she is still here. She knows who we are, she gives us hugs and kisses and still understands everything we say. And as her speech gradually comes back, she tells us she loves us.
My grandma passed on the greatest gift to me and that is the love of Jesus. I have a happier life and marriage because when The Lord saved my grandma, I kept my word. I started going to church regularly and reading the Bible. In the beginning it felt like a chore with a side of bio homework. But soon, I began to look forward to Sundays and I started reading beyond my schedule reading plan each day. And I enjoyed reading the Bible to my grandma when she was in the hospital and rehab.
The greatest gift my grandma gave me was unconditional love. She loved me the way Jesus loves us. The second greatest gift she gave me was the knowledge of Christ from a young age. And in 2 days, I get to see her!
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
-Proverbs 22:6
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Day 1
There's nothing fancy here. I am not starting this blog as a means to financially contribute to our household income (thought I'd feel quite talented if I could) nor to express my thoughts to a wide audience. What is here is not that interesting (though Anne Frank felt the same way and we all know how that book turned out!). I am a mom. A Stay-At-Home-Mom. Which I love dearly most days. And other days, like the last two, I am quite jealous of my husband that gets to leave this house for 9 hours a day.
I used to write in high school to relieve stress and just to get my thoughts out because there were so many jumbled up in my head. But that was back when I had plenty of time to myself and I didn't own a laptop of my own. While I considered keeping an "old school" pen and paper journal, I figured this was a more realistic option. Less clutter. Anyone with one kid (let alone 4) knows I have enough of that to go around and then some so I don't need any more. And I have a whole box in our shed of journals from my youth. I started at 13 and stopped at 22. It's a full box. Some I like to reread. Others I've considered burning in the hopes that my kids will never read them. So all this will be is my thoughts, vents and whatever else tumbles out. I don't know how often I'll get to it but I figure it will be at least somewhat therapeutic when I do.
Stargazer lilies and Yoga are two of my favorite things. Hence the title. Sorry, I'm not all that creative.
In one week my whole family will be back together again. My older two now spend 10 weeks each summer in California, with my ex-husband and his wife and family. As a result of my husband's naval career, we moved to Norfolk, Virginia in April 2013. 2700 miles away from home (San Diego, CA) and their dad. The courts felt this was best. I disagree with such a huge chunk right away but not my choice so between prayer and patience, I've made it through the summer. But not without feeling like part of me was missing. But my husband was deployed for 7 months between June '12-January '13 so I suppose it's not the longest separation I've been through. However, being apart from my adult, self-sufficient (mostly) husband is a tad different than my 6 and 5 year old. But I don't have a choice and moping won't change it so I'm learning to cope. I also have a 22 month old and a 6 month old to keep me busy. And boy, do they. Allison is my 22 month old and she's a hoot. She gets into everything and is pretty advanced everywhere except speech. Which, while I'm a tad concerned, is kind of nice because she has yet to hit the nonstop chatter part of toddler-hood. Buuuuut she makes up for it in other ways. McKenna is my 6 month old. Who is teething. And refuses to self soothe. Or sleep a normal amount. And can most accurately be described a stage 5 clinger with a cute grin and red hair. From those fragmented sentences, I can see this blog may not be my best exhibit of my honors English grades in high school and college. Oh well. I'm not here to impress anyone, or earn a grade. :)
I have ADD. As a result, I switch topics often, with no warning. I ramble. I don't always make sense and if you know me in person, I talk a lot and tend to dominate the conversation. I don't do it on purpose. My brain just goes a mile a minute and I can't get it to shut up. Which is what I like about yoga. I really have to focus on my breathing (I'm a really impatient person) which takes all of my brain power so it can't focus on much else. I'm kind of a crappy listener but each day I strive to be better at it. I'm organized and disorganized at the same time. I forget everything if it's not written down, WHERE I can see it. The old adage "out of sight, out of mind" is me to a T. I often put things away and then can't find them again because whatever thought process I had at the time I stored it, doesn't make sense to me when I go to find it so I can't remember where I put it and since it's not visible, I'm really up a tree. I'm also a perfectionist with a terrible temper. These are my least favorite qualities about myself. Daily struggles. I function a lot better with medicine but as a mom who is still nursing a baby, that's not an option right now. But as soon as it is, I'll get back on them.
I'm in burn out mode. McKenna is cutting her first tooth and either has been for 3 weeks now OR has decided that she is a special kind of infant that doesn't need much sleep to function. We co-sleep/bedshare which works for me as far as night time goes. I like having her all snuggled up next to me. Plus, I'm a big fan of not getting out of bed for nighttime feedings. In fact, I'm not even fully awake for them. I feel her wiggle, I latch her on, I go back to sleep and wake up the next time she wiggles. But during the day I NEED her to nap. I NEED her to overlap with Allison at least for a short time. I NEED time to breathe and total silence.
That has NOT happened more than 1-2 times in the last 3 weeks. Mostly, I'm an AP (attachment parenting) mom. And "crunchy" by loose definition. I cloth diaper. I co-sleep. I babywear to a limited degree. I breastfeed exclusively and won't stop just because we celebrate a first birthday. I try to make as much as I can from scratch (which started out as a budget friendly endeavor before it became a health conscious process), and I enjoy all of it-most days. Today, is NOT one of those days.
For many years, I thought I was an extrovert.
Dictionary.com defines an extrovet as: an outgoing, gregarious person. Basically, someone who thrives off being around others and finds feeds off the energy of others.
I used to write in high school to relieve stress and just to get my thoughts out because there were so many jumbled up in my head. But that was back when I had plenty of time to myself and I didn't own a laptop of my own. While I considered keeping an "old school" pen and paper journal, I figured this was a more realistic option. Less clutter. Anyone with one kid (let alone 4) knows I have enough of that to go around and then some so I don't need any more. And I have a whole box in our shed of journals from my youth. I started at 13 and stopped at 22. It's a full box. Some I like to reread. Others I've considered burning in the hopes that my kids will never read them. So all this will be is my thoughts, vents and whatever else tumbles out. I don't know how often I'll get to it but I figure it will be at least somewhat therapeutic when I do.
Stargazer lilies and Yoga are two of my favorite things. Hence the title. Sorry, I'm not all that creative.
In one week my whole family will be back together again. My older two now spend 10 weeks each summer in California, with my ex-husband and his wife and family. As a result of my husband's naval career, we moved to Norfolk, Virginia in April 2013. 2700 miles away from home (San Diego, CA) and their dad. The courts felt this was best. I disagree with such a huge chunk right away but not my choice so between prayer and patience, I've made it through the summer. But not without feeling like part of me was missing. But my husband was deployed for 7 months between June '12-January '13 so I suppose it's not the longest separation I've been through. However, being apart from my adult, self-sufficient (mostly) husband is a tad different than my 6 and 5 year old. But I don't have a choice and moping won't change it so I'm learning to cope. I also have a 22 month old and a 6 month old to keep me busy. And boy, do they. Allison is my 22 month old and she's a hoot. She gets into everything and is pretty advanced everywhere except speech. Which, while I'm a tad concerned, is kind of nice because she has yet to hit the nonstop chatter part of toddler-hood. Buuuuut she makes up for it in other ways. McKenna is my 6 month old. Who is teething. And refuses to self soothe. Or sleep a normal amount. And can most accurately be described a stage 5 clinger with a cute grin and red hair. From those fragmented sentences, I can see this blog may not be my best exhibit of my honors English grades in high school and college. Oh well. I'm not here to impress anyone, or earn a grade. :)
I have ADD. As a result, I switch topics often, with no warning. I ramble. I don't always make sense and if you know me in person, I talk a lot and tend to dominate the conversation. I don't do it on purpose. My brain just goes a mile a minute and I can't get it to shut up. Which is what I like about yoga. I really have to focus on my breathing (I'm a really impatient person) which takes all of my brain power so it can't focus on much else. I'm kind of a crappy listener but each day I strive to be better at it. I'm organized and disorganized at the same time. I forget everything if it's not written down, WHERE I can see it. The old adage "out of sight, out of mind" is me to a T. I often put things away and then can't find them again because whatever thought process I had at the time I stored it, doesn't make sense to me when I go to find it so I can't remember where I put it and since it's not visible, I'm really up a tree. I'm also a perfectionist with a terrible temper. These are my least favorite qualities about myself. Daily struggles. I function a lot better with medicine but as a mom who is still nursing a baby, that's not an option right now. But as soon as it is, I'll get back on them.
I'm in burn out mode. McKenna is cutting her first tooth and either has been for 3 weeks now OR has decided that she is a special kind of infant that doesn't need much sleep to function. We co-sleep/bedshare which works for me as far as night time goes. I like having her all snuggled up next to me. Plus, I'm a big fan of not getting out of bed for nighttime feedings. In fact, I'm not even fully awake for them. I feel her wiggle, I latch her on, I go back to sleep and wake up the next time she wiggles. But during the day I NEED her to nap. I NEED her to overlap with Allison at least for a short time. I NEED time to breathe and total silence.
That has NOT happened more than 1-2 times in the last 3 weeks. Mostly, I'm an AP (attachment parenting) mom. And "crunchy" by loose definition. I cloth diaper. I co-sleep. I babywear to a limited degree. I breastfeed exclusively and won't stop just because we celebrate a first birthday. I try to make as much as I can from scratch (which started out as a budget friendly endeavor before it became a health conscious process), and I enjoy all of it-most days. Today, is NOT one of those days.
For many years, I thought I was an extrovert.
Dictionary.com defines an extrovet as: an outgoing, gregarious person. Basically, someone who thrives off being around others and finds feeds off the energy of others.
Definitely, NOT me. Turns out, I was wrong. I read an article about attachment parenting and why it didn't work for this particular mom. I was trying to figure out why as much as I love it and the theory of AP, I hate it at the same time and find it very draining. She stated because she's an introvert. Which got me thinking. Because the way she described herself sounded just like me. Read the article here if you'd like. I CRAVE time to myself. I like solitary activities like reading, yoga, crocheting, cooking. Granted the last two can be done in a social setting, I prefer to do them alone or with only 1-2 other people. I don't like big parties, I like small get togethers. Bars, clubs, concerts, parties, command picnics (since the Navy dictates our lives) and big churches overwhelm me and usually leaving me looking for an excuse to bail out. I just always figured because I was a social person (I'll talk to anyone with a pulse, anywhere) that automatically meant I was an extrovert. Nope. Just means I'm an introvert who has a social side. Even at a party, I like to stand in the corner and talk to 1-2 people rather than a whole crowd or have everyone stare at me. I don't like like attention, or everyone staring at me. I DESPISE public speaking and almost took a failing grade in college because I didn't want to do the final project which entailed standing in front of 30+ people discussing a challenge I had overcome in my life. I don't like talking on the phone. I will text or email anytime I can. I have a select few people I can gab with for hours but not many. I'm very open and outspoken on Facebook but that's because it's online. I choose who I want to interact with and anytime I'm overwhelmed, I simply log out and go back when I feel like it. In fact, IF you take my ADD out of the equation, I'd be a total introvert. The ADD causes the constant stream of chatter, lack of thinking before speaking, temper and inability to listen verses speaking. This was my AH-HA moment. So then I figured, I'd google and see if my theory was correct. I looked up the qualities of both. This first search confirmed my theory, definitely an introvert. While I was googling, (spell check has a red line under 'googling' but they need to get with the times. Googling should be a word! We all do it!) some articles linked to simple 10-15 question quizzes that would tell me on which side of the social fence I fell. I took a few out of curiosity. They all said roughly the same thing: I'm an introvert with a limited social side (in that I am social and do well in the environment but in limited doses and locations). HUH. THAT made me sit and mull over it for a while. I felt like I had been pounding at a wall for hours and finally knocked a hole in it. It's not all the way down as I have yet to figure out a solution for my problem but at least I now know what my problem is.
In a way, I feel like an idiot though. I was just ranting to my husband yesterday afternoon about the other issue that's been weighing me down and that is the lack of friends I have since we moved across the country. I kept going on and on about how it's hard for me to be home with the kids all day because I need social interaction and yet I kept saying, I just wanted ONE friend. ONE person that had enough in common with me that I didn't have to feel like part of me wasn't accepted. I often fall in an awkward space between my Christian friends (where the girl in me who loves a good NASCAR race, a few ice cold beers, a wild Luke Bryan concert, occasionally slips up and says a curse word when angry and likes a crude Larry the Cable Guy set) is mildly offensive and my redneck friends (who think the part of me that reads the Bible almost daily, attends church weekly, prays every day and posts Bible verses on my Facebook) is too goody-goody. I have a friend like that somewhat local (if you count 1.5 hours as local) and we try to get together once a month, or more. We send our gun-loving husbands off to blow stuff up on an widespread ranch and we hang out and mind the kids and talk about our similar lives. I LOVE those days. They don't happen enough. But As I replay yesterdays conversation (read: hormonally charged rant-fest that my loving husband endured willingly) in my head, I realize I kept repeating the same phrase over and over: I just need time to myself and time to breathe! I need ME time more than I need social time. That should have been my big light bulb moment. But sometimes, I'm a little late to the party. Which in real life, I hate doing because then everyone stares at me and I get incredibly self-conscious.
I forgot to add that my ah-ha moment came to me this morning when I deactivated my Facebook. I tend to open my big mouth and vent in that little status box a little too often. And not because I have nowhere else to put my thoughts, but because sometimes, on a BAD DAY, it's just nice for someone else to say "Hey, I've been there". But last week, it was brought to my attention (in a not-so-nice way) that it comes off as complaining to some and lately, I do it a little too often. So this morning, I decided (after posting my whiny status unfortunately) that I was going to take a break. I have a few friends on my list that complain incessantly and it can be a downer at times. In my case, some days it's my only outlet because I'm with the kids all day and I don't have anyone that I can talk to face to face. But an effort to NOT burden my friends with a constant whine session, I decided to take a break and not log back in until I had figured out my problem and possibly a solution.
The "problem" is I am an introvert who needs time and space to herself to breathe but I am also a SAHM with an infant who feels like she just can't function unless she is attached to me.
While taking one of the aforementioned quizzes, one of the questions was something along the lines of "Do you enjoy writing to express your feelings?" My first inclination was to check No. But I thought about it and remembered all the times I've written letters to a person when I have something I need to say that I feel is important. And I don't want it to come off as a jumbled, scrambled mess. While my impulsivity hinders my ability to think before speaking, writing allows me to edit and refine it before delivering it to it's intended recipient. But in recent years (the last 7 or so) I've had little time to myself to shower and pee alone, much less write. But it's so soothing to me. I'm already about much calmer now, than I was when I started this. When I opened my laptop I had just snuck out of my bedroom after nursing McKenna down AGAIN and I was stressed, hungry and felt like ripping my hair out and had no desire to be near her for a while. Yet, she just woke up and I can her babbling and squealing over the monitor and I want to go snuggle her and cover her with kisses. Quite a 180 from how I felt an hour ago. Perhaps it was just having the time to myself. Maybe it was the writing. Maybe it was both? I'm not sleep deprived, which is usually cause for mommies turning into monsters. I'm silence deprived? ME deprived? Does that even make sense. It does but the wording sounds funny. lol.
Either way, I know that writing out all these thoughts definitely helped in some way. So, twelve paragraphs later, the reason for this blog and what sparked it have finally come out. See what I mean about rambling and tangents? I suppose God will always open our eyes in his own ways. I sure have been praying for peace and strength a lot lately. Not that those desires wouldn't be aligned with His will, but clearly he had plans to open my eyes first. So now, I just need to pray for guidance for a solution. Or, even just a coping method for the time being.
My perfectionism tends to throw a kink in that though. I'll explain that connection another day. There are cute little baby cheeks to be devoured. <3
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