I used to write in high school to relieve stress and just to get my thoughts out because there were so many jumbled up in my head. But that was back when I had plenty of time to myself and I didn't own a laptop of my own. While I considered keeping an "old school" pen and paper journal, I figured this was a more realistic option. Less clutter. Anyone with one kid (let alone 4) knows I have enough of that to go around and then some so I don't need any more. And I have a whole box in our shed of journals from my youth. I started at 13 and stopped at 22. It's a full box. Some I like to reread. Others I've considered burning in the hopes that my kids will never read them. So all this will be is my thoughts, vents and whatever else tumbles out. I don't know how often I'll get to it but I figure it will be at least somewhat therapeutic when I do.
Stargazer lilies and Yoga are two of my favorite things. Hence the title. Sorry, I'm not all that creative.
In one week my whole family will be back together again. My older two now spend 10 weeks each summer in California, with my ex-husband and his wife and family. As a result of my husband's naval career, we moved to Norfolk, Virginia in April 2013. 2700 miles away from home (San Diego, CA) and their dad. The courts felt this was best. I disagree with such a huge chunk right away but not my choice so between prayer and patience, I've made it through the summer. But not without feeling like part of me was missing. But my husband was deployed for 7 months between June '12-January '13 so I suppose it's not the longest separation I've been through. However, being apart from my adult, self-sufficient (mostly) husband is a tad different than my 6 and 5 year old. But I don't have a choice and moping won't change it so I'm learning to cope. I also have a 22 month old and a 6 month old to keep me busy. And boy, do they. Allison is my 22 month old and she's a hoot. She gets into everything and is pretty advanced everywhere except speech. Which, while I'm a tad concerned, is kind of nice because she has yet to hit the nonstop chatter part of toddler-hood. Buuuuut she makes up for it in other ways. McKenna is my 6 month old. Who is teething. And refuses to self soothe. Or sleep a normal amount. And can most accurately be described a stage 5 clinger with a cute grin and red hair. From those fragmented sentences, I can see this blog may not be my best exhibit of my honors English grades in high school and college. Oh well. I'm not here to impress anyone, or earn a grade. :)
I have ADD. As a result, I switch topics often, with no warning. I ramble. I don't always make sense and if you know me in person, I talk a lot and tend to dominate the conversation. I don't do it on purpose. My brain just goes a mile a minute and I can't get it to shut up. Which is what I like about yoga. I really have to focus on my breathing (I'm a really impatient person) which takes all of my brain power so it can't focus on much else. I'm kind of a crappy listener but each day I strive to be better at it. I'm organized and disorganized at the same time. I forget everything if it's not written down, WHERE I can see it. The old adage "out of sight, out of mind" is me to a T. I often put things away and then can't find them again because whatever thought process I had at the time I stored it, doesn't make sense to me when I go to find it so I can't remember where I put it and since it's not visible, I'm really up a tree. I'm also a perfectionist with a terrible temper. These are my least favorite qualities about myself. Daily struggles. I function a lot better with medicine but as a mom who is still nursing a baby, that's not an option right now. But as soon as it is, I'll get back on them.
I'm in burn out mode. McKenna is cutting her first tooth and either has been for 3 weeks now OR has decided that she is a special kind of infant that doesn't need much sleep to function. We co-sleep/bedshare which works for me as far as night time goes. I like having her all snuggled up next to me. Plus, I'm a big fan of not getting out of bed for nighttime feedings. In fact, I'm not even fully awake for them. I feel her wiggle, I latch her on, I go back to sleep and wake up the next time she wiggles. But during the day I NEED her to nap. I NEED her to overlap with Allison at least for a short time. I NEED time to breathe and total silence.
That has NOT happened more than 1-2 times in the last 3 weeks. Mostly, I'm an AP (attachment parenting) mom. And "crunchy" by loose definition. I cloth diaper. I co-sleep. I babywear to a limited degree. I breastfeed exclusively and won't stop just because we celebrate a first birthday. I try to make as much as I can from scratch (which started out as a budget friendly endeavor before it became a health conscious process), and I enjoy all of it-most days. Today, is NOT one of those days.
For many years, I thought I was an extrovert.
Dictionary.com defines an extrovet as: an outgoing, gregarious person. Basically, someone who thrives off being around others and finds feeds off the energy of others.
Definitely, NOT me. Turns out, I was wrong. I read an article about attachment parenting and why it didn't work for this particular mom. I was trying to figure out why as much as I love it and the theory of AP, I hate it at the same time and find it very draining. She stated because she's an introvert. Which got me thinking. Because the way she described herself sounded just like me. Read the article here if you'd like. I CRAVE time to myself. I like solitary activities like reading, yoga, crocheting, cooking. Granted the last two can be done in a social setting, I prefer to do them alone or with only 1-2 other people. I don't like big parties, I like small get togethers. Bars, clubs, concerts, parties, command picnics (since the Navy dictates our lives) and big churches overwhelm me and usually leaving me looking for an excuse to bail out. I just always figured because I was a social person (I'll talk to anyone with a pulse, anywhere) that automatically meant I was an extrovert. Nope. Just means I'm an introvert who has a social side. Even at a party, I like to stand in the corner and talk to 1-2 people rather than a whole crowd or have everyone stare at me. I don't like like attention, or everyone staring at me. I DESPISE public speaking and almost took a failing grade in college because I didn't want to do the final project which entailed standing in front of 30+ people discussing a challenge I had overcome in my life. I don't like talking on the phone. I will text or email anytime I can. I have a select few people I can gab with for hours but not many. I'm very open and outspoken on Facebook but that's because it's online. I choose who I want to interact with and anytime I'm overwhelmed, I simply log out and go back when I feel like it. In fact, IF you take my ADD out of the equation, I'd be a total introvert. The ADD causes the constant stream of chatter, lack of thinking before speaking, temper and inability to listen verses speaking. This was my AH-HA moment. So then I figured, I'd google and see if my theory was correct. I looked up the qualities of both. This first search confirmed my theory, definitely an introvert. While I was googling, (spell check has a red line under 'googling' but they need to get with the times. Googling should be a word! We all do it!) some articles linked to simple 10-15 question quizzes that would tell me on which side of the social fence I fell. I took a few out of curiosity. They all said roughly the same thing: I'm an introvert with a limited social side (in that I am social and do well in the environment but in limited doses and locations). HUH. THAT made me sit and mull over it for a while. I felt like I had been pounding at a wall for hours and finally knocked a hole in it. It's not all the way down as I have yet to figure out a solution for my problem but at least I now know what my problem is.
In a way, I feel like an idiot though. I was just ranting to my husband yesterday afternoon about the other issue that's been weighing me down and that is the lack of friends I have since we moved across the country. I kept going on and on about how it's hard for me to be home with the kids all day because I need social interaction and yet I kept saying, I just wanted ONE friend. ONE person that had enough in common with me that I didn't have to feel like part of me wasn't accepted. I often fall in an awkward space between my Christian friends (where the girl in me who loves a good NASCAR race, a few ice cold beers, a wild Luke Bryan concert, occasionally slips up and says a curse word when angry and likes a crude Larry the Cable Guy set) is mildly offensive and my redneck friends (who think the part of me that reads the Bible almost daily, attends church weekly, prays every day and posts Bible verses on my Facebook) is too goody-goody. I have a friend like that somewhat local (if you count 1.5 hours as local) and we try to get together once a month, or more. We send our gun-loving husbands off to blow stuff up on an widespread ranch and we hang out and mind the kids and talk about our similar lives. I LOVE those days. They don't happen enough. But As I replay yesterdays conversation (read: hormonally charged rant-fest that my loving husband endured willingly) in my head, I realize I kept repeating the same phrase over and over: I just need time to myself and time to breathe! I need ME time more than I need social time. That should have been my big light bulb moment. But sometimes, I'm a little late to the party. Which in real life, I hate doing because then everyone stares at me and I get incredibly self-conscious.
I forgot to add that my ah-ha moment came to me this morning when I deactivated my Facebook. I tend to open my big mouth and vent in that little status box a little too often. And not because I have nowhere else to put my thoughts, but because sometimes, on a BAD DAY, it's just nice for someone else to say "Hey, I've been there". But last week, it was brought to my attention (in a not-so-nice way) that it comes off as complaining to some and lately, I do it a little too often. So this morning, I decided (after posting my whiny status unfortunately) that I was going to take a break. I have a few friends on my list that complain incessantly and it can be a downer at times. In my case, some days it's my only outlet because I'm with the kids all day and I don't have anyone that I can talk to face to face. But an effort to NOT burden my friends with a constant whine session, I decided to take a break and not log back in until I had figured out my problem and possibly a solution.
The "problem" is I am an introvert who needs time and space to herself to breathe but I am also a SAHM with an infant who feels like she just can't function unless she is attached to me.
While taking one of the aforementioned quizzes, one of the questions was something along the lines of "Do you enjoy writing to express your feelings?" My first inclination was to check No. But I thought about it and remembered all the times I've written letters to a person when I have something I need to say that I feel is important. And I don't want it to come off as a jumbled, scrambled mess. While my impulsivity hinders my ability to think before speaking, writing allows me to edit and refine it before delivering it to it's intended recipient. But in recent years (the last 7 or so) I've had little time to myself to shower and pee alone, much less write. But it's so soothing to me. I'm already about much calmer now, than I was when I started this. When I opened my laptop I had just snuck out of my bedroom after nursing McKenna down AGAIN and I was stressed, hungry and felt like ripping my hair out and had no desire to be near her for a while. Yet, she just woke up and I can her babbling and squealing over the monitor and I want to go snuggle her and cover her with kisses. Quite a 180 from how I felt an hour ago. Perhaps it was just having the time to myself. Maybe it was the writing. Maybe it was both? I'm not sleep deprived, which is usually cause for mommies turning into monsters. I'm silence deprived? ME deprived? Does that even make sense. It does but the wording sounds funny. lol.
Either way, I know that writing out all these thoughts definitely helped in some way. So, twelve paragraphs later, the reason for this blog and what sparked it have finally come out. See what I mean about rambling and tangents? I suppose God will always open our eyes in his own ways. I sure have been praying for peace and strength a lot lately. Not that those desires wouldn't be aligned with His will, but clearly he had plans to open my eyes first. So now, I just need to pray for guidance for a solution. Or, even just a coping method for the time being.
My perfectionism tends to throw a kink in that though. I'll explain that connection another day. There are cute little baby cheeks to be devoured. <3
No comments:
Post a Comment