White Collar is on. I love this show. This could take a while......
I've suspected that I have ADD for years. I basically self diagnosed myself after I married my husband and he told me he has ADD. So when I googled symptoms, and how I could help make his life (read: OUR life) easier, I realize I had a ton of these symptoms. Except he doesn't fidget like I do. His brain doesn't go-go-go all the time. He sleeps like a normal person. He knows how to relax.
OOOOO! Phone update-Patriots are leading the Jets. I really should invest in NFL ticket next year.
Anyway, so I thought I was just a type A person.
Well, fast forward 3 years and I started seeing a counselor this week. My temper and emotional outburst suck. Some days I get so overwhelmed and stressed out over STUPID stuff (like when we're late to church because I can't find my keys-or my phone-or my nursing cover) and then I'm throwing crap around and stomping my feet and having a tantrum like my almost 2 year old. It's embarrassing and juvenile. And I despise that about myself. My husband is so mellow. It takes SO MUCH to make him mad. That man seems to have limitless amount of patience. He just can't remember anything, or finish anything right away and will totally zone out (which I've learned this week is referred to as hyperfocus) for hours and totally not hear the baby crying. OR he's a man and has selective hearing. A little bit of both, I suspect.
This list is from add.about.com. Thing is.....I still do most of the childhood things minus running and climbing excessively (I bet I'd be in a smaller size jeans if I did!) and I can work quietly now (but in spurts).
Childhood
Adulthood
I forgot to explain what the counselor said. Whoops. My brain goes faster than I type. Which is why I type more than write now. My writing is really sloppy because I'm trying to write as fast as my brain goes and it's impossible. And illegible. And I'm a perfectionist and so I don't like my writing because it's not neat and cute. Sigh.
Anyway, my counselor pegged this in less than 20 mins of talking to me. Mid-sentence she handed me a list of "things I experience on a daily basis" and they were grouped in 4 blocks. No titles. No indication as to what was what. She just told me to circle. So I did. 1-2 from 3 catagories and all 10 from another. She then handed me the key. I had circled 1 symptom of depression (not sleeping), 2 symptoms of PTSD (I startle easily and I forgot the other one) 1 symptom of anxiety (I worry often and sometimes irrationally) and all 10 from the ADD category. Then she explained why she had me do that and what she noticed and what I had told her about my history. Then she asked me in detail about my temper and flare ups. I told her initially my reasoning for seeking help was to get a handle on my temper. I thought I had the ADD thing under control.
Another field Goal. We're up by 10 over the Jets. I love my ESPN app.
I didn't know that my temper could be part of the ADD. Whoops. I didn't do a lot of research before. I skimmed a few things, figured both K and I had made it this far and went about life. He's active duty so he won't do anything because he doesn't want to be kicked out. He also tends to self-mediate with caffeine when he's at work and it works for him so he's good in that area I suppose. Caffeine helps me too but not as much. It makes my days a little easier but as soon as it wears off, being inside my head sucks.
So anyway, she mentioned the hyperactivity and I laughed and said I wasn't a kid anymore. At which point she explained the above mentioned facts. Huh. Mind blown. So I've done tons of research the last 2 days. Read blogs of moms with ADD. Tried to see if I could take meds and still breastfeed the baby. Read articles about coping skills and methods that have worked for other people. It's overwhelming. It's helpful to know that I'm not a total space cadet and it's not for lack of trying to keep my life (and my family/house) put together. I beat myself up a lot because my house is always somewhat messy, the mail is overflowing from it's slot in the divider on the desk, the laundry is never actually done, doing my bible study every morning is hard because it requires sitting still and focusing, I forget everything if it's not written down, I lose things all the time, I am short fused and I'm always on go and impatient with everyone around me and the thing that upsets me the most is I can't relax. I CANNOT sit and do ONE thing. When I try, I start losing it. Like when K and I try to play Scrabble (which he loves even though he always loses lol). When it's his turn and he's mulling over his letters and trying to figure out what to play to get the most points. Well, I try to sit still and watch and pay attention. But that lasts about 2 minutes. So I pull out my phone. And scroll though facebook. Or twitter. And then he's poking me, frustrated because he feels like I'm giving him my full attention and spending quality time with him. :(
I can't just sit and watch a movie. I have to be crocheting. Or folding clothes. Or on my ipad. It SUCKS.
And my kids get mad that I rush them all the time. Because I lose track of time. And then we're late. I have about 12 alarms on my phone to remind me of menial tasks that SHOULD be habit by now. Like when to leave for school. Or when to pick the kids up from school. Or when to take the trashcans out every week. Or to eat. Yes, I have reminders to eat. Otherwise, I forget. Until 6 hours have passed and I'm a BEAR because my blood sugar is low and I'm hungry. Sigh.
I was reading an articles on ADHD coping skills earlier and they all said that getting enough sleep is key. I hate sleeping. I know that sounds nuts but it takes me forever to fall asleep because my brain won't shut up. Plus, I can think of about 39349 other things I could be doing. And every day my to-do list is a mile long and I'm always trying to do as much as I can after the kids go to bed and next thing I know it's midnight. And I wake up at 640 every day so I can drink my coffee and read my bible in silence before the kids are up and it's a zoo. Some days I snooze right through it because I stayed up too late the night before and I'm exhausted. Like last night. And today was hell.
My husband got a vasectomy this morning. God has blessed us with 4 beautiful kids and we will be foster parents later (I grew up as a foster kid and I feel I have a lot of insight to help a kid someday) and we are DONE. Plus, my darling, sweet, McKenna is a very high needs baby and as much as I love her, if she would have been my first, she might have been my only.
Well, it's now 9:55 pm and I it took me over an hour to write this because I had to stop and start. And for the last 30 minutes I've been rocking my sweet Allison back down. She's 23 months and cutting her 2 year molars and she woke up crying. She is my best sleeper so when she wakes up, it's for a legitimate. reason. So I'm finally heading to bed. I'm tempted to stay up and watch reruns of The Big Bang Theory and await the outcome of the Patriots game but I'm going to try to get to bed. On the plus side it's only 10 pm and that's 2 hours earlier than I usually go to bed! I'll read for a bit though. That's the one thing I can do for a somewhat substantial amount of time. I had a rough upbringing (another post for another day) and I would read as an escape and tune out. It still works.
No comments:
Post a Comment